Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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