my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
