Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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