it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
