Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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