He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
