Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
