That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Randomize
