sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
