3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
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I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
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I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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