I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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