Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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