***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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