I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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