You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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