Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
And then he peed in my hair
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