I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
