ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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