he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
