a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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