Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
