I should be sponsored by Trojan
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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