I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
