I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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