we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
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I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
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but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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