My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
