I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
