No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
