My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
