I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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