my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
