Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
