I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
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