The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
