happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
