Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
