I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
