My liver just broke up with me...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
