Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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