She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
