i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
