Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
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I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
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She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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