That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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