btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
