I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
