she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
