Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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