So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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