i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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