I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
