somebody snuck up and got me drunk
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
