Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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