Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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