Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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