you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
