i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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