I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
