"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
