If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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