It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
