My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
