I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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