they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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