Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
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You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
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bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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