im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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