Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
