please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
